


if i could tell him

by imposterhuman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (this makes me sad to think about but), Fluffy, M/M, if connor and zoe switched positions, set to "if i could tell her", so zoes dead, these tags are shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 01:35:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11220510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: AU where Zoe was the one who killed herself, and Evan has to pick up the broken pieces of Connor she left behind. Set during "If I Could Tell Her" and basically retells the song, but towards Connor this time.





	if i could tell him

**Author's Note:**

> hope y'all enjoy! before you read, i just want to stress something. SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER. ending your story because you're at a bad point makes it 100% CERTAIN that it will never get better. just see it through, because IT WILL GET BETTER. and if anyone needs to talk, send me a message or call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255). it matters that you are here.

Evan took a deep breath as he entered Zoe Murphy's room. The girl who died a week before. No, a girl who  _killed herself_ a week before. A girl he had to pretend was his former girlfriend, all because of a stupid therapy assignment. He flinched when he saw the thin layer of dust accumulating over her bed, her table, all of the work she left undone (and would never finish). Behind him, a subdued Connor Murphy walked in. He brushed past Evan without a word, flopping on Zoe's bed, upsetting the dust. 

"Why are you even here?" He asked harshly. 

"I was..." Evan gulped. "I don't know. I just... miss her?"

"Why? Not like she ever did anything nice for anyone but herself. Don't try to tell me she wasn't a monster." Connor said flippantly, as if he could say the words enough that they'd become true.

"That's not true though! She thought you were... awesome!" Evan lied.  _Oh God, what am I doing?  I can't make this up on the spot!  Especially not to my_  crush _! Please don't ask, please don't ask-_

Connor scoffed. "She thought I was  _awesome_? My sister?"

Evan took a deep breath. "Definitely!"

Connor wasn't convinced. "How?" he probed. 

"Well," began Evan, "She said, there's nothing like your smile, sort of subtle, and perfect, and real." Connor hid the start of a nostalgic grin, all of his attention focused on Evan, who was now sitting next to him.

"She said, she never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel." Now Evan was blushing, but Connor was too wrapped up in his words to notice.

"And she knew, whenever you get bored, you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans." Evan glanced down at Connor's ankles, and, lo and behold, there was a galaxy of multicolored pen stars.

"And she noticed, that you still fill out the quizzes that they put in those teen magazines." With that, Connor went pink, averting his eyes from Evan.

"But," Evan said softly and sadly, "She kept it all, inside her head, what she thought, she left unsaid." Connor frowned.

"And though she wanted to, she couldn't get to you." Evan whispered. "She couldn't find the way. But she would always say-" He broke off, and both the boys sat, lost in thought.

_If I could tell him, tell him everything I see,_ Evan thought wistfully.  _If I could tell him, that he's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart. I... don't know how I would even start._ Evan blinked back a tear.  _If I could tell him, if I could tell him...._

Connor speaking broke him from his reverie. "Did she say anything else?" he asked frantically, hiding his eagerness. His walls were starting to crumble.

"A- about you?" Evan stuttered. Connor stiffened and turned away.

"Never mind, I don't really care anyways-"

"No, no, no—just, no, no—she said—she said so many things," Evan interrupted.  "I'm just—I'm trying to remember the best ones. So, um—"

"She thought, it looked really pretty, er-" Evan stuttered for a moment, trying to avoid screwing up his story. "It looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair."

Connor stroked his hair wistfully. "She did?"

"And she wondered, how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn't there." Evan smiled, remembering Connor's dancing, back when he was happy, back when  _Zoe_ was happy.

Evan broke off again, tears clogging his throat. "But she kept it all inside her head, what she thought, she left unsaid."

_If  I could tell him, tell him everything I see, if I could tell him, that he's everything to me._ Both boys shook their heads, lost in their own minds.

"But we're a million worlds apart." They said softly, in unison.

_And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him..._

Evan spoke again. "If I could tell him, but what do you do, when there's this great divide?"

Connor looked near tears. "She just seemed so far away."

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?" Evan asked softly.

"It's like I don't know anything." Connor cried.

_And how do you say, I love you?_ Evan gulped.  _I love you, I love you._

"I love you." he whispered, near silent. "But we're a million worlds apart, I don't know how I would even start."

_If I could tell him, if I could..._

Connor was crying softly now. Evan felt a rush of hatred towards Zoe. How could she do this, leaving everyone broken in pieces, falling apart? How could she leave  _Connor_ like this? Feeling reckless, he leaned towards Connor and gave him a kiss, right on the lips. Connor was shocked, but kissed back for a half second. Then he got up and ran away, leaving a broken Evan behind, on his dead sister's bed.

**Author's Note:**

> have a good day :)


End file.
